Dear Kids in my class,

I think I have mentally checked out and don't have the patience lately for a lot of the things teaching involves. This leads to me being annoyed by 90% of the things you guys do throughout the day (as opposed to the usual 50%).

But my angry face looks a lot like my not-angry face. (And my stern voice sounds a little bit more like I'm 10 years old instead of 7.) So you probably haven't even noticed.

Sorry anyway,
r

P.S. To be fair though, I think you guys have also doubled your annoyance factor in the past couple weeks, haven't you?

Dear Fridge,

Maybe you know I'm leaving you in a couple weeks and you're going on strike? Or I closed you too hard one day and you got mad? You don't like some of the food I put inside you? WHY WON'T YOU WORK?!?!

Please be cold again? I miss when you were cold. Now you're just fancy insulated shelves. Which unfortunately does not keep my food from spoiling.

Let's just be friends til I leave, k?

Please? Cherry on top?
r

Dear Woman in line who called me a "skinny white bitch,"

Skinny?!!? THANKS!!

You made my day!
r

Dear Phone,

You have the most outrageous predictive text I've ever used. My old phone had some pretty odd habits (AKA pretending that humdkwindjlw was a word). But at least it's not replacing real words with MADE UP words like you do. I accidentally said "Wgen" instead of "when" ONCE. Just ONCE! And now every time I want to say "when" you say "Wgen." Also, writing "28" instead of "at"? What's up with that?

I can't wait to have a phone that actually understands what I'm trying to say.

Frustrated by the little things these days,
r

Dear Gum I sat in yesterday,

$%@&#%@! You've now ruined HALF of the pairs of pants that I have in Namibia.

You know the worst part? It was SO frickin' hot outside, I felt like I was melting so I kept telling everyone that my jeans were melting into the ground. Nope, it turns out I was sticking to the ground like that because of YOU.

Boo!,
r

Dear Computer,

Can you please stop shocking me? I can't even use you now without putting a towel in between you and my arms.

Ouch,
r

Dear Wall Spiders living in my house,

You could more aptly be called Floor Spiders now. That was NOT part of the agreement. You stay on the walls, I let you live.

If you renig on our deal. So will I.

Beware,
r

Dear Chaz,

Please stop wishing terrible things to happen to me so I'll write a "Dear Namibia" about it. I'm afraid you might be pushing my luck.

Fingers crossed!
r

Dear Coffee "For Him",

I have nothing to say except... Seriously!?



??
r

P.S. You can't see the back of this ad (yea, it's a two sided ad), but if you could you would also be able to feast your eyes on the magical virgin stick! Guess what it does...

Dear Graffiti-er,


"you are very stupit"


So are you.

Love,
r

Dear Namibia,

Not that anyone is counting... but that last one makes FIVE shots in the ass.

Ok, so I AM counting,
r

Dear Salami I found in my fridge after I came home from a three week trip,

You smell fine. I'm going to eat you.

Love,
r

Dear Toilet Paper Santa,

I got home after 3 weeks of being away and there was magically 4 new rolls of toilet paper in my bathroom! Who are you? You may be even better than the real thing. Visit more often please?

A believer,
r

Dear Learner 1,

You walked into the room while I was watching a ventriloquist comedian and you asked how that skeleton was talking. (The puppet was a skeleton.) I explained to you that the skeleton wasn't real and he wasn't talking at all. It was the man standing next to him that was talking for him. Without ever moving his lips! You shook your head acknowledging that you understood. And then you asked "But miss, when he eats, where does all the food go?"

So I tried to explain it to you again. The puppet isn't real. The puppet doesn't need to eat. The puppet isn't talking. The man next to him is talking without moving his lips! I said this to you in like 5 different ways to make sure you understood. And then just to make double sure (if such a thing actually exists in Namibia-- which it doesn't), I asked you "You understand? It's pretty cool isn't it?" And you nodded your head yes and kept watching in amazement.

Ten minutes later when the skit was done I turned to you to see if you liked it. You looked at me and said "But miss, WHERE DOES THE FOOD GO!?"

Haha, I give up,
r

Dear Parents who say "Please tell me if my child is being naughty I will beat the hell out of him..."

Umm... no?

You crazy,
r